The Forty-Three Thoughts I had while watching A Deadly Adoption (2015)

The few months preceding the TV debut of this Lifetime movie were filled with doubt that it even existed, and the nature the film would take if indeed it did. Ferrell and Wiig released several statements claiming the movie was a hoax, and that it would never be made, and then admitted that it would and so on and so forth. This invariably piqued my interest, which says nothing of the films interesting plot or even of the star quality of the films leading roles. It does, however, tell you everything of my gullibility to publicity stunts. Even when I know something is a publicity stunt, I still burn to see it and satisfy the curiosity that was brought about by fake campaigns and righteously indignant actors who feel so betrayed that their movies were leaked ahead of time (ahem, looking at you Rogen and Franco). Of course, what is genuinely interesting (or is it?) about this film is that it’s a Lifetime movie. You know? The type of film that claims to be inspired by true events and that they show on channels like 5* at 2am, and particularly at Christmas, when they know we’re all trapped by our inability to cope with cold weather and darkening skies. It’s not just any Lifetime movie though. It’s a satire Lifetime movie. A spoof with two comedy veterans no less. Which can only mean one thing, obviously – it will either be brilliant, or even worse than the genre it is spoofing.

No time like the present to find out.

Okay, so the film is two minutes in and I already know that Will Ferrell is an alcoholic, a past-his-prime writer, and responsible for his wife’s miscarriage. Oh how I love a film with no subtext.

Should I find this flashback showing the tragic loss of their unborn child so funny? I feel like a bad human right now. Seriously though, I can’t stop laughing. I can feel the bad karma points just wracking up. *Its like those slot machines in casinos that make that incessant beep-beep sound when you've won and dispense coins, except in my case, its bad karma and I have hit the jackpot* 

So the pregnant chick just ripped up a picture of Wiig and Ferrell. CRAZY BITCH ALERT. (…no shit Rachel, it’s called A Deadly Adoption…)

Why is Will Ferrell’s hair so blonde? He looks like a 50 year GP from a Southern Belle TV programme.

So Ferrell can’t go on a book tour because last time he partied and blacked out and this is really bad. Hmmm, maybe I should reconsider how I’ve spent my life so far…?

They’re having a moment whilst discussing sunblock? Ugh, no wonder I haven’t found a boyfriend! I’ve been missing all of the deep-rooted conversational topics. *Note to self: talk about sunblock and insect repellent the next time you see a really hot guy and you will be married within six months* I’m going to call it the Will Ferrell guarantee.

Ewww, according to this guy that Wiig should clearly be with, men just can’t get enough of those six-month pregnant women. Really? I mean I know people have weird fetishes, but how could that be a turn on?

Oh she’s having a secret phone conversation. Yet more evidence that SHE IS A BADDY.

Should she really be drinking coffee when she’s pregnant? Doesn’t that stunt the babies growth? (In all seriousness, I wonder how much coffee my mam drank when she was pregnant with me.)

Well clearly crazy-pregnant-girl is creepily watching that little girl sleep because she’s not really pregnant and she wants her own kid. Though frankly she has taken a very unnecessary and confusing course of action in pursuit of this goal. Moron.

Of course crazy-pregnant-girl has an extensively tattooed boyfriend wearing a wife beater with greasy hair, because there wasn’t enough Lifetime-movie clichés in this Lifetime movie as it is.

No wonder housewives love these films, it’s hilarious-yet-addictive predictability galore.

The pregnant chick (what the hell is her name?!) is telling the little girl that she can’t trust men. Steady on, you don’t wanna ruin her teenage years just yet, she's only six years old. She's got plenty of time to have her romantic illusions shattered by the male species' inability to live up to the expectations forced on us by films.

DUDE! Don’t tell her you don’t love your wife when you’re going to adopt her non-existent baby. That should be like the first rule in the When Adopting a Baby Handbook – do these fictional fathers know nothing?! (I’m looking at you Jason Bateman from Juno).

Okay on second thought, don’t trust the pregnant chick. She’s smiling and being cryptic. I hate people who smile too much. Gives me the creeps. People who smile too much almost always have an agenda.

Dun-dun-dun. She’s wearing a fake bump and the kid has seen. That kid is totally getting murdered now. P.S. I was right about that agenda. Go me.

Okay, so now we’ve got a flashback showing that Will Ferrell and the pregnant chick had a drunken one night stand ages ago and we’re expected to believe that he just forgot this? SERIOUSLY. This is actually hilarious. You don’t forget the face of the person you recently slept with; I don’t care how drunk you are.

So the child has been kidnapped and the pregnant chick is using a false name. This is all happening way too fast, I’m so confused. I am clearly an idiot.

God, I wish Ferrell would dye his god-damn hair and I wish Kristen Wiig would stop talking about ORGANIC FOOD. UGH. (Okay, so she hasn’t discussed organic food for a while now, but I can’t stop thinking about it, she’s so stupid JUST STOP IT KRISTEN)

So this dude who’s in love with Wiig has just described the getaway vehicle as “old, not too old though”. Good going there, you’re being SUPER helpful. They’re totally going to find the kid now.

Why does putting clip-in blonde and purple streaks suddenly make the pregnant-but-not-actually-pregnant chick a badass? My childhood experiences tell me this is most definitely not the case – a purple streak does not a badass make. My words of wisdom for the day.

Don’t follow the bad guy by yourself dude-who-should-be-with-Wiig, you will get murdered and Kristen Wiig will cry because you’re a dumbass

He just got punched and the screen went black I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT WHY DON’T CHARACTERS EVER LISTEN

I think I should just write a film where people make only logical choices that way they won’t get shot needlessly

Gotta love a film with a slow-motion shot of litter rolling softly through the wind. How American Beauty of them…

Kristen Wiig you are a comedy BADASS kick this crazy bitch in the face. Screw the gun, you should just slay her with your vicious, vicious words

Finally, a bitch fight

Oh, I genuinely thought Wiig would win that one. A for effort I guess

Will, your wife is in the car being poisoned get off your ass and SAVE HER

OH-MY-GOD he’s face after being shot, that was my second favourite part of this movie. It’s the expression one would wear when a friend tells them they look a little fat, not the expression you would associate with agonising pain. I’m so happy right now.

Will Ferrell doing a slow-motion dive for a gun was never gonna end well was it? He just doesn’t have the right build. Not to mention he didn’t jump with his legs. I know all the moves, I should just be a professional stunt coordinator and maybe his stunt double.

Why are the people in this film getting shot and handling there fatal wounds so well? Like seriously, this dude was shot in the stomach and all he can muster is a feeble “Ow”?! You're literally going to die, why can't you have an existential crisis or something?!

Note to self: readjust expectations and stop being uptight. Its a Lifetime movie. *practices calm breathing* (I am legitimately practicing calm breathing as I watch/write)

Will Ferrell is having a slow-motion superman moment and I am getting so god damn sick of all of this slow-freaking-motion. Stop. It. 

I mean I should probably preface this entire thing by acknowledging that I know it’s a shoddy lifetime movie, but seriously, why are Ferrell and Wiig being so pathetic? Grow some balls guys and maybe tell a joke or something. I don’t know, I’m just spit balling right now…

Ferrell has walked into the middle of the road to stop the crazy bitch from driving away. I hope he ends this whole thing by holding out his arm and shouting NONE SHALL PASS. That would be such a beautiful moment

Why is the little girl clutching her stomach like that? She doesn’t look like she is in need of her diabetes medicine, she just looks constipated.

Oh would someone just shoot the crazy bitch already, maybe then the slow-motion will end.

Nope. Even when she gets shot we still get slow-motion. Writing the words “slow” and “motion” is starting to fry my brain. I am losing the will to live.

At least Wiig finally grew some lady balls

Oh my god, they’re seriously going to end this with a cheesy dance party? I literally want to kill myself and yet I can’t stop smiling. I’m ashamed of myself right now.

It’s finally over. I feel so overwhelmed.

Meryl Streep’s line from Doubt keeps running through my mind. Meryl feels the feels that I feel which is kind of ironic because that’s the only film of Meryl’s that I was never too keen on.

So its official, A Deadly Adoption might be the best worst thing I have ever seen. Like Meryl said – “I have such doubts”. One thing I can say of this film is that it made me realise a lot of things about myself as a person - specifically that I should really try to avoid these types of films at all costs. Spoof or not. Mainly because they impair my ability to write without an exclamation mark every other sentence, which is obviously the end of the world. 

Movie Transformations

So this post has been sitting in my documents for a VERY long time. The reason being that it was originally written as an homage to having my braces taken off (which was around two years ago now), and because of that I wanted to make it the best and most thorough list I could. This turned out to be a bit too much pressure though, so I've decided to publish what I've already got (which is a pretty short and very random collection of films) and make this into a semi-regular thing. If I think of anymore, or you do, then I'll continue on. This is the type of conversation starter I love having with friends, and when we were younger me and my sister were obsessed with discussing the best makeup/style transformations in film, so I have a feeling this list is missing some crucial transformations and will only grow longer and become more accurate as time goes on.

Anyway, on with the list...

Captain America/Spiderman – they go from scrawny to brawny and become the hero of their respective tales. Oh, and they both get the girl.

Miss Congeniality – that makeover. ‘Nough  said.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Depp version) – you might be thinking I mean Charlie’s transformation from poor little pauper boy to Chocolate factory heir. I don’t. I mean the big-boss-man himself, Mister Willy Wonka. Remember when we’re shown a flashback of Wonka as a kid with braces and headgear to boot?! Well, that was me. Except without the headgear. And the evil dentist parent who never let me eat sweets. Oh, and I doubt I will build a multi-million pound chocolate corporation. But apart from that the parallels are uncanny!

V for Vendetta – Evie mainly, but also V. Both a physical and emotional transformation takes place, which impacts deeply upon the audience. Who can forget that last scene where we see all of those faceless victims of a corrupt government finally take a stand? This film gives me goosebumps and continues to make me think a lot about my own beliefs, even after god-knows how many views. Incidentally it was also one of the first films I showed my mother (who had previously refused to watch it, because sometimes she is stubborn for no good reason) that gave her faith in my cinephile-loving ways. 

Easy A – she goes from sassy yet innocent Olive to “I’m sexy and I know it” Olive and she owns it. There’s no peer pressure in this transformation (well, not really anyway…), it’s all the personal choice of Stone’s character. When she changes back it’s a nice transformation because it shows that accepting the original you is better than any fake-hoe act could ever be. Plus the films funny as hell and Emma Stone is sassy and perfect.

Mrs Doubtfire – It wouldn’t be a best transformation list without this childhood favourite. Who didn’t love that rascal of a nanny and funny-man Williams? The fact that he makes for a convincing woman is pretty scary really. Begs the question, do you know your nanny? Is your nanny really a nanny or an alien from outer-space? I guess we’ll never truly know…

Bend it Like Beckham – this film is girl power to the max and who doesn’t love a film with a bit of girl power. Our transformation takes form in the shape of lead character Jesminder who takes on her strict and traditional family and their religious beliefs so that she may follow her football-loving dreams.

The Punisher – this film is perfect for its presentation of a character who changes his whole being in the name of justice. But who wouldn’t in the name of avenging your entire family who were murdered before your very eyes?

The Fifty Thoughts I had while watching Fifty Shades of Grey...

So yeah, I’m writing a post on Fifty Shades of Grey. Didn’t think this day would ever come, but like any film lover I can’t give either my stamp of approval or my…erm…my stamp of disapproval(?) if I haven’t seen the film, and this has garnered so much press that my curiosity was invariably piqued. I’m sorry, what can I say? Although to be honest I don’t feel like I need to make excuses because a. I think EVERYBODY secretly wants to see this film and, b. you’re reading this right now, which must mean that your curiosity has been piqued as well…

Without further ado then, my Fifty thoughts while watching Fifty Shades of Grey:

  

She looks way older than 21. Ewww, I’m 21. That’s like me being propositioned by a sex-crazed millionaire. I still act like a kid. Christian Grey (CG from now on because shorthand is just so much easier. Plus I like the sound of CG. It’s cute) would hate me.

Pffftttt, who actually falls face first into a room like that? Moron.

CG gives money to Africa? I’m going to Africa! We’re both philanthropic. Go us.

As if she just asked if he was gay. Boundaries Anastasia.

As if she’s all hot and bothered after that way-too-deep and bizarre two minute conversation. I mean he’s handsome and all, but still. Keep it together woman.

Okay Rachel, I feel like you’re being too judgemental. Give it a proper go.

As if Kate just nicked her sandwich. If one of my housemates pulled a move like that I would literally be like “Yo bitch, you best be giving me that sandwich back!”. I’m not even kidding. Like Joey from friends, I do NOT share food.

Oh Ana is holding a Grey Corporate pencil to her mouth. Non-subtle phallic imagery there. Lol. (I hate that I just used "lol" in a post but these are the unfiltered, unedited thoughts I had while watching the film and, unfortunately, I did say "lol" out loud)

Ewww, why does Ana’s friend have such a horrible goatee? Seriosuly dude, it ain’t a good look. It never was and it never will be. LOSE THE GOATEE.

Wow, Jennifer Ehle went from playing Elizabeth Bennett to Anastasia’s mother. Bet she never thought she’d be taking roles like this one back in the heyday. And she used to date Colin Firth. I wonder if he’s seen this film? Probably not… Be hilarious if he had though.

Awwwhh, her mother isn’t going to her graduation? That’s actually super sad. I would hate it if my ma’ couldn’t go to my graduation. Especially if the reason was because her boyfriend had broken his foot! I’d be all like “Woman you’d best be at my graduation!”

I wonder how long CG was waiting in that aisle?

He’s got a super cute smile. Like seriously, I would not peg the owner of that smile as a creepy, BDSM-loving weirdo.

This film has no fluidity. They’re just jumping from one interaction to the next becoming more infatuated with each other for no discernible reason. This is frustrating. Also, why was there just an excessively long shot of a coffee cup? Is there some subliminal messaging in that? Does the director want us to drink more coffee? Shit, writing the word "coffee" has made me crave it. Curse my susceptibility!

Her mother is on husband number four and she calls her an ‘incurable romantic’? Hmmmm, more like PLAYYAAAA.

Oh god, that whole rescue-her-from-the-oncoming-bike-of-doom, cheek-nuzzle moment was not very well executed. Why did they have to be so cheesy?

So she’s 21 and she can’t apply her own makeup? Come on girl, they have freakin’ tutorials on YouTube for that kind of thing now. Get your shit together.

Oh my god, I wish somebody would buy me a first edition book. Jammy get!

Okay her drunken impression of him is actually really funny. I’m liking this just a little bit. Stay with it, for the love of god!

Ewww, Jose. You’re supposed to be her friend and instead you’re hitting on her while she’s drunk. Why do guys do that kind of shit? Like seriously, boundaries dude.

Okay, first CG topless scene didn’t disappoint. And brazenly taking a bite of her toast like that? Christian you flirt you.

Don’t kiss her now. She’s just woken up after a night of alcohol and throwing up. Her breath is probably rank!

Oh my god, I hate to say it but Jamie Dornan isn’t that good. How could he be so good in The Fall and so bad in this? I don’t get it.

Oh lol, he said ‘Laters baby’. CG just made a funny. Well done CG, well done.

Man, I wish I knew how to fly a helicopter. Though my fear of heights may render that a useless talent…

Well that “Red Room of Pain” is seriously creepy. If I saw that I would turn on the spot and start running as fast as I possibly could, all while screaming ‘MURDERER!!” at the top of my lungs.

You’ll punish her if she doesn’t “please” you?! Oh sorry, I didn’t realise we’d taken a time machine back to the 18^th-effing-century.

God, sex scenes must be SO AWKWARD to film.

Why do films always depict ‘losing the v-card’ as a super sensual moment?!

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have zero sexual chemistry. 

How is she being so cavalier about meeting the mother of the guy she’s just lost her virginity to? And after the mother nearly walked in on them as well? This girl is weird. Very, very weird.

He bought her a computer? Jesus, that’s a bit excessive isn’t it?

Hang on, its just occurred to me that she’s waited 21 years for the “right guy” to lose her virginity to and she’s known CG little more than a week before she’s hopping into bed with him. I mean it was still her choice and everything, but where’s the sense in that?

Why is she wearing pigtails? What is she, 12?! No adult should EVER wear pigtails unless that adult is going as red riding hood for Halloween.

Why is that meeting room so dark? Like seriously, they can’t even see each other. In fact, why does the world in general have such an aversion to natural lighting? I live for natural lighting!

Oh look at Ana getting all territorial and sassy with those girls. For some reason its prompted Shania Twain’s “Man I Feel Like a Woman” to play on a loop in my head. Good song.

Dakota Johnson is way too skinny. I can see her ribs. She looks like one of those poor little rescue dogs on an RSPCA advert. EAT WOMAN!

I wonder if Jamie Dornan already knew how to plait hair or if he had to acquire the skill for this role?

I’m loving the deliberately awful dance moves Anastasia is pulling out. She’s actually quite funny. I bet that’s what I look like on the dance floor.

Oooohhh, Rita Ora’s big cameo! Liking the little bob she’s got going on.

Oh so she was only in it for 10 seconds. Okay. So the hype was a whole load of hoo-har-nonsense then. Thanks, filmmakers, for once again getting people's hopes up for nothing. 

Was Anastasia asleep when CG was confessing about his messed up childhood and crack-head mother? Because she woke up like straight afterwards with a smile on her face which seems a little insensitive if you ask me.

Oh. Em. Gee. Her stepdad is Pacey’s brother from Dawson’s Creek! He’s aged well. How old is he anyway? *quick google search*. He’s 46? Christ I feel old.

Anastasia just said fuck in front of her mother. My god, if I ever said fuck in front of my mother I think I would be ostracised.

Oooohhh, so he just called her his girlfriend. Judging from the chorus of ‘awwwhhhss’ in the audience, I’m thinking that’s a big step. Well done you perverted little deviant you.

Oh my god, they’re doing nosedives and loop-de-loops in that gliding airplane thingy and she’s just laughing away. I mean it’s a nice romantic gesture and all but I’d be more likely to hurl if anything.

Why are they playing operatic church music during a scene where she is handcuffed to the bed and is being whipped? There is something so purposefully distasteful about that. I mean I know the whole thing is distasteful, but church music? Really? Are they trying to offend that poor little Pope and his merry band of Nuns?

Yeah, we get it CG, you like to play the piano in the dark because you’re oh-so-dark and misunderstood. NEW IMAGE PLEASE!

So she’s finally came to her senses then. Knew it had to happen eventually.

Oh so it’s over? Erm…okay. Rather abrupt.

JUST LIKE THIS POST.

The Affair - Episodes 2-6

Okay, so yeah, the whole episode-by-episode review thing didn’t quite pan out. I have a good reason though. Well, no, not really. Unless you count binge-watching and not wanting to stop this cycle of binge-watching to write a review a good reason?

My binge-watching and neglect of the reviewing does prove something about this show though – that being how mind-consuming and brilliant it is. Honestly I was hard-pressed to write this, but I figured if I left it too long then it would be pointless even writing my thoughts down, because who’s gonna wanna read a review that skips so many friggin’ episodes. Anyhoo, enough excuses and pointless rambling…

The plot has definitely thickened between these two characters, as you would expect for a show called ‘The Affair’. Episodes two and three concentrate primarily on establishing a foundation for the relationship between Noah and Alison. It’s not quite just lust that motivates the endless sex between them anymore, but an understanding of one another and an understanding of the fact that both are completely dissatisfied with their marital lives. What starts off as an undeniable attraction soon becomes a relationship where the two admit things to each other that they fear to speak about or admit to anybody else in their lives. When Alison confesses to Noah the death of her son and explains that sometimes she cuts herself to relieve the pain, you can sense a palpable change in the dynamic between the characters. This scene is quickly followed by yet more sex, except it isn’t just sex this time but something more. I hesitate to use the expression ‘making love’, a. because I detest that expression and b. because they’ve barely known each other a week, but it’s definitely a step in a less detestable direction.

As for the personal progress of the characters themselves, I remain loyal to my initial summary in the first post. I still dislike and distrust Noah. There is something about his character that just screams ‘secret sociopath’ and every time I look at the guy I question the sanity of Alison for picking him over her constantly loving and supporting husband Cole (but maybe that’s just because he’s played by Joshua Jackson who was basically the love of my life during my formative years when he played Pacey from Dawson’s Creek). I think the crux of my problem with Noah is that I feel like during his perspectives he is painting Alison out to be something she’s not. The guy has an ulterior motive, of that I have no doubt. Because don’t forget, at the heart of this romance lies a murder mystery, a murder mystery that undoubtedly involves Noah and Alison in some way. The victim, by the way, is none other than (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Scotty Lockheart – Alison’s brother-in-law and, might I add, one fine specimen of a human being. Could it be that Noah murders Scotty because he starts a secret affair with Noah’s 16 year old daughter? It would certainly be an interesting twist and would explain why Alison would help keep Noah out of the firing line with regards to the endless police questioning the pair face. PLUS, who says the show is about Alison and Noah’s affair at all? Scotty is married after all… OH SNAP, mystery solved by yours truly. (No but seriously, don’t listen to me because anybody watching the show would have jumped to that conclusion almost immediately. It ain’t gonna be that easy.)

Moving swiftly on… My love for the character of Alison is unwavering. That woman is so damn vulnerable and relateable I can’t help but think that she’s just being taken advantage of in her grief. She is clearly very damaged, and though she tries to put on a brave face and get on with her life, it’s very obvious that it’s just an elaborate act. Some of the reveals within the last 4 episodes though certainly do colour my opinion of the future Alison. For one, she is married (and since she was already married to begin with I can only assume it’s to somebody different) and what’s more she also has a child. This really makes me wonder how far in the future these characters are reminiscing from, because the Alison we see being interviewed by police is far removed from the Alison conducting an illicit affair in the midst of grief. Future Alison seems more aloof, calmer and collected. I get the sense that she is hiding something big, and as odd as it sounds the juxtaposition of past Alison and future Alison makes me uneasy. Clearly this show has a lot more to give and explain before we’ll finally find out what happens between this messed up pair and their involvement with Scotty’s death.

I’ll leave this post with both a friendly warning and deep encouragement. Foremost: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT WATCH THIS SERIES WITH YOUR PARENTS/FAMILY. THERE IS A LOT OF SEX AND GRAPHIC CONTENT (AND I MEAN A LOT), SO JUST STAY AWAY. Secondly, apart from the fact that you should avoid watching with family, you should definitely not avoid watching. Its compelling, complex and absolutely must-see TV. 

A rambler's rating? 

The Affair - Episode 1 (2014)

I’m a bit confused as to how I should start this post to be honest, because I’ve literally just finished watching the first episode of this programme and I’m…well, I’m at a loss for words. It’s completely spellbinding and intriguing, and I want more. A lot more. Like, right now.

The episode is structured into two sections, the first half narrated by Dominic West’s character Noah while the second half is narrated by the gloriously talented Ruth Wilson as Alison. Both half’s tell a story that follows the same pattern with odd details here and there altered, to reflect how memory can distort a person’s opinion of events. The first half begins with West, showing him go about his routine as a happy (or relatively so) family man set to vacation with the in-laws for the summer. It’s typical in its portrayal of the dissatisfactions one can feel when they feel there life is becoming stale. He seems vaguely fatigued by the role he has taken on in life, but not enough to make the viewer question his loyalty to this life. When he meets Alison, the connection seems instant. She is sexy and mysterious and everything he doesn’t have. She is the siren come to ruin him. We see this emphatically so when, after walking her home from a beach party at night, she invites him to view her outdoor shower, and then to use it. When he politely declines, she shamelessly undresses in front of him and hops in. (I like the confidence lady!). When he leaves to go home he suddenly hears arguing from her house and goes to check everything is okay, only to walk in on her and her partner having hateful sex against the car while she encourages Noah to watch, smirking in satisfaction and gaining some sort of voyeuristic pleasure in having him witness this carnal act. It was shocking to say the least, not because of the graphic content (well, yeah, kinda because of the graphic content) but because watching a woman play the role of confident and sultry seducer completely in charge is a rarity in TV. There is something both intensely empowering about this version of her character and something verging on psychotic.

I say ‘version of her character’ because in the second half we are introduced to a very different woman. A woman clearly broken and a shell of a human. The audience soon learn this is down to the loss of her young child two years prior to the events of the story, which adds a completely new depth to her character. Instead of the strong sexy Alison of the first half, we are given an intensely vulnerable Alison. One who the audiences heart go out to as she struggles to cope with the loss of her child and the effects this has on her marriage. When she meets West’s character she is timid and shy, yet clearly drawn to him as he was to her in the first half. If one thing can’t be denied between the two versions, which both present very different perspectives, it’s that Alison and Noah are attracted, perhaps even connected, to one another. In this version though Noah is the instigator and the voyeur, and there is something very letchy and unlikeable about his character, as if he senses her vulnerability and is using it to his advantage.

Throughout both sections we here the two characters narrate their respective stories, prompted by questions from a man we can only assume is a police officer given the context and isolation of the room they are being questioned in. Knowing this almost immediately as the programme begins, I couldn’t help but wonder what led these two characters into this situation. Did they fall so madly in lust or love with each other that they plotted the murders of their partners? Did they plot the murder of each other? Are they this generations Bonnie and Clyde?  So many questions which already have me begging for me of this delicious psychological drama, which earned Wilson a Golden Globe award for Best Actress in a drama series. I’m only one episode in and I can already tell it was well deserved. She is undoubtedly the driving force of this series, her talent and ability to portray two drastically different versions of this character the foundation for my already obsessive love for this programme.

If I’m certain of one thing with The Affair (which is bold of me to say, because I feel like this could literally go anywhere), this Alison and Noah certainly ain’t gonna have the happy ending of another fictional duo under the same monikers. Nope, I do not predict a happy ending. And I can’t bloody wait. Keep your eyes peeled for more episode-by-episode (hopefully) reviews.

A film rambler’s rating? 

Selma (2014)

This film had a profound effect on me, because it packs so much heart and emotion into a subject that tarnishes the concept of equality amongst humanity. As I watched, entranced by the murder and corruption faced by MLK and the people of Selma, I thought about what it means to be equal. Equality – such a basic right, and one that I and almost every person in our modern, technology-driven world take for granted. The right to vote, the right to freedom, the right to privacy, the right to life. We, each and every human among us, have 30 basic human rights. Do you know them? I know I don’t, not all of them anyway. Which seems such a waste of all of the struggles that our ancestors have suffered. Such a waste of the tears and torture they endured. This is what I thought of as I finished watching this inspiring film. My own place in this world and what I choose to do with it. Will I waste it? Or will I rise above myself and my insecurities and everything that might knock me down and become something great and something I can be proud of, just as Martin Luther King did in the face of adversity?

That’s the Martin Luther King affect I guess. That man inspired so many with his words, and that can be seen in this chronicle of the march he lead from Selma to Montgomery as he campaigned to secure equal voting rights for the black citizens of the notoriously racist Alabama state , despite the violence and death that plagued his path. It is an unflinching biopic of the corruption that stood in his way, and the personal struggles he battled throughout this great cause. Writer Paul Webb does a good job of presenting the life of MLK on many different strands, from his passion to promote change to how he maintained his family life on top of this.

The film begins in 1964 with Martin Luther King receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for his non-violent civil rights movement, and moves quickly to his relationship with the President of the United States – Lyndon Johnson. Both men have very different agendas, both noble, but both different. Johnson wants to tackle the War on Poverty with King at his side, but King sees a greater cause in changing legislation in order to remove the barriers that prevent African-Americans from participating in their right to vote. For much of the film, these men fight one another in what honestly feels like a game of chicken. King demands support from the President, and urges him to realise that it is his duty as the elected representative of the people to actually represent the people. Johnson has different priorities though, and so we witness as the people take to march. The first march is unsuccessful as the non-violent protestors are viciously attacked with batons and tear gas. As this scene plays out, being narrated by a white broadcaster clearly horrified at the grotesque and inhumane torture he witnesses, we as viewers sit entranced and sickened. To acknowledge that this event actually took place, that innocent people with no intention of fighting back were savagely beaten, that this is not just something made up by a clever writer who knows how to elicit a reaction, is upsetting to say the least. It is an event in history that we must not forget though, because to forget would be to disregard the suffering, the hard work and the determination of a brave collective.

What I admired about this film was that it didn’t just give a straight-up biopic of the man’s life. It concentrated on one specific fight and in doing so gave the story a voice and integrity that allow it to be heard and seen more forcefully. Like Invictus and Lincoln before it, the political follies and processes were captured without pandering to the audience. I didn’t feel like I was being taught a lesson, which is to say I didn’t feel bored or put upon by the film, but rather I was intrigued and desperate to know more about this period of history. The fact that we get to see the political cunning of King alongside his compassion is interesting, because it depicts just how clever this man was to be able to inspire so many. King has a strong voice, and the actor portraying him, David Oyelowo, captures this brilliantly. Oyelowo has had a career in film and stage for 16 years, and yet this is his first major motion picture, which is frankly surprising as hell. His performance perhaps wasn’t as memorable as similar films with similar agendas, but the quiet energy and passion with which he delivers each line is a clear indicator that this man’s talents have been overlooked for too long. The fact that he isn’t well known though was something I really liked about this film. In fact none of the main cast were big, knock-out stars (with the exception of a small role played by Oprah Winfrey, who also acted as producer for the film) which added an authenticity to it. It made it seem more real and made the struggle of the people more painful to watch as they continued to try to march and met hostility at every turn. Maybe that’s just a peculiarity of mine, but sometimes when I’m watching a heartrending moment in film I suddenly remember that I’m watching big “movie star” actors and think “Oh wait, Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t really die in the icy depths of the Atlantic ocean. He’s an actor. It’s fine. Stop freaking out. No seriously Rachel, stop crying… You’re embarrassing yourself with your unhealthy attachment”. Is that just me? (I think I already know the answer to be honest). Back to the point though, watching a relatively unknown cast play out these real life horrors made the film more authentic, and had me crying for most of it. No wonder there is so much Oscar buzz surrounding the film.

I’m gonna end on a note that seems extremely appropriate given the subject of the film. Sorry if it seems irritating but after I’d watched Selma it really made me think (as I’ve said for like the thousandth time now). So here it is:

Think about equality. Think about humanity. What does it deserve? To be treated with kindness and respect? Yes. Not to face ridicule because of gender or sexuality or any other kind of preference? Yes. I might sound naïve, but I don’t care. If there is one thing everybody could do with a bit more of, its compassion, as Martin Luther King practiced and taught throughout his life.

Here are our 30 basic human rights…

(You might be surprised by how many you didn’t know and how obvious they seem in retrospect)

1. We are all free and equal. We are all born free. We all have our own thoughts and ideas. We should all be treated in the same way.

2. Don’t discriminate. These rights belong to everybody, whatever our differences.

3. The right to life. We all have the right to life, and to live in freedom and safety.

4. No slavery – past and present. Nobody has any right to make us a slave. We cannot make anyone our slave.

5. No Torture. Nobody has any right to hurt us or to torture us.

6. We all have the same right to use the law. I am a person just like you!

7. We are all protected by the law. The law is the same for everyone. It must treat us all fairly.

8. Fair treatment by fair courts. We can all ask for the law to help us when we are not treated fairly.

9. No unfair detainment. Nobody has the right to put us in prison without a good reason and keep us there, or to send us away from our country.

10. The right to trial. If we are put on trial this should be in public. The people who try us should not let anyone tell them what to do.

11. Innocent until proven guilty. Nobody should be blamed for doing something until it is proven. When people say we did a bad thing we have the right to show it is not true.

12. The right to privacy. Nobody should try to harm our good name. Nobody has the right to come into our home, open our letters or bother us or our family without a good reason.

13. Freedom to move. We all have the right to go where we want in our own country and to travel as we wish.

14. The right to asylum. If we are frightened of being badly treated in our own country, we all have the right to run away to another country to be safe.

15. The right to a nationality. We all have the right to belong to a country.

16. Marriage and family. Every grown-up has the right to marry and have a family if they want to. Men and women have the same rights when they are married, and when they are separated.

17. Your own things. Everyone has the right to own things or share them. Nobody should take our things from us without a good reason.

18. Freedom of thought. We all have the right to believe in what we want to believe, to have a religion, or to change it if we want.

19. Free to say what you want. We all have the right to make up our own minds, to think what we like, to say what we think, and to share our ideas with other people.

20. Meet where you like. We all have the right to meet our friends and to work together in peace to defend our rights. Nobody can make us join a group if we don’t want to.

21. The right to democracy. We all have the right to take part in the government of our country. Every grown-up should be allowed to choose their own leaders.

22. The right to social security. We all have the right to affordable housing, medicine, education, and child care, enough money to live on and medical help if we are ill or old.

23. Workers’ rights. Every grown-up has the right to do a job, to a fair wage for their work, and to join a trade union.

24. The right to play. We all have the right to rest from work and to relax.

25. A bed and some food. We all have the right to a good life. Mothers and children, people who are old, unemployed or disabled, and all people have the right to be cared for.

26. The right to education. Education is a right. Primary school should be free. We should learn about the United Nations and how to get on with others. Our parents can choose what we learn.

27. Culture and copyright. Copyright is a special law that protects one’s own artistic creations and writings; others cannot make copies without permission. We all have the right to our own way of life and to enjoy the good things that “art,” science and learning bring.

28. A free and fair world. There must be proper order so we can all enjoy rights and freedoms in our own country and all over the world.

29. Our responsibilities. We have a duty to other people, and we should protect their rights and freedoms.

30. Nobody can take away these rights and freedoms from us.

* List provided by Youth For Human Rights International, adapted and simplified from the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights - See more at: http://www.samaritanmag.com/we-have-30-basic-human-rights-do-you-know-them#sthash.lYmYsciP.dpuf

Into The Woods (2014)

Love Meryl Streep (obviously, because who doesn’t?!). Love James Corden. Love Emily Blunt. Love Anna Kendrick. I could take or leave Chris Pine, but I’m thinking you get my point. I pretty much love this cast. Do I love this film? Not so much…

This has been highly anticipated by me and my friends for a while now, and the rave reviews only heightened our enthusiasm, so perhaps that goes some way into explaining why it fell so flat for me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate it, and if someone wanted to see it again I would, but my problem is that this film has no longevity. With musicals you usually expect something epic and awe-inspiring, something that will grab you by the gut and either gets you up singing and dancing or has you on the floor sobbing by the end. This film elicited neither reaction, and as such left me disappointed. The premise is that an old witch living next door to the Baker and his wife has promised to lift a curse she put on him and his kin if they procure four precious items that will return her youth, and in their adventures they come across popular Brothers Grimm characters along the way. It’s an extremely interesting premise, right? That’s not a trick question, I swear. The premise was a part of the reason I wanted to see the film after all. The thought of a mish-mash of fairytale characters interacting with one another and participating in one epic adventure sounds brilliant, and in its highly successful Broadway run it has proven time and again to be just that. In film however, something has been lost in translation.

Perhaps it’s the fact that the rights to the film belong to Disney, and so a lot of the gritty nature of the original script and story had to be cut in order to maintain that fun and friendly vibe we recognise from the main distributor of children’s entertainment. I’m no expert, as I haven’t seen an onstage version, but from my research I noticed a few essential moments were left from the film. Apparently the onstage version is much raunchier and violent, and I think that if this film had been picked up by a different distributor, it would have had the potential to be truly great. I’d just like to make it clear as well that I went into this film having done zero research, so the fact that I left knowing that something was missing is a clear indicator that this film has been altered too significantly to feel true to its audience. (Or its adult audience anyway).

That wasn’t my only problem with it though. I took issue with certain scenes that came off as either extremely unsettling or too rushed to feel authentic. For example, the short cameo made my Johnny Depp playing Mr Wolf saw him sing and act in a way that came off as highly paedophilic. Obviously playing the horrible wolf is going to have its drawbacks, but honestly I and my friend were looking at each other more than the screen (in abject horror) as we watched him creep behind the girl, pull the occasional suggestively erotic pose and then sing about her bright pink flesh which has no lumps. “Lumps”? In reference to a prepubescent girl? Yeah, basically the wolf is talking about the fact that this child has no breasts and how he finds this attractive in a victim. Frankly I was appalled that this was allowed in the film, because I know that if I was a parent I would be shielding my children’s eyes and writing letters of complaint to whoever allowed such blatantly erotic and paedophilic moments to play out in a children’s film. When Little Red admits to the Baker that she was scared but also “kind of excited” by the wolfs advances, that is really the last straw for me. And in a Disney film?! But anyway, I think I’ve said enough about this short section of the film to relate that I am NOT happy about Depp’s character. Oh yeah, by the way Disney and director Rob Marshall, thanks for ruining Johnny Depp for me. I’ll never be able to look at the guy in the same way again.

This scene was not the only thing I took issue with though. Unfortunately, I was not a massive fan of the singing talents of one particular character, the actor who plays Jack – Daniel Huttlestone. I hate to say this, because some may also recognise him from Les Miserables where he played Gavroche superbly, but in this film his talents did not transfer quite so...smoothly.Your guess is as good as mine as to why. When he was singing it honestly just sounded like he was shouting, and his acting came off as forced and exaggerated in parts which ruined key moments in the film. (God, I feel like such a bitch saying mean things about a kid. I’m sorry!). Wasn’t the biggest fan of Chris Pine’s singing voice either, but he played the Prince Charming who isn’t so charming very well, and his scene with Billy Magnussen singing under the waterfall was some brilliantly clichéd (that was what they were going for, so I mean it as a compliment) cinema.

The film wasn’t without its merit (namely a fantastic and enthusiastic performance of It Takes Two by Corden and Blunt which made me really happy and saved this film from being switched off half way through. Also Streep. Because Streep is a merit in everything she does) but it didn’t meet my expectations and for this I am bitterly disappointed. It felt rushed, contrived and too abrupt in parts to maintain my interest. Why Meryl Streep’s character, the driving force for much of the action in the first half of the film, suddenly disappears in the second half is beyond me. If an explanation was given, it certainly wasn’t blatant enough to offer me and my housemates any sort of resolution to her character. But, it’s a Disney film aimed mainly toward children, so I guess not everything has to be tied up neatly…

All in all, I was not happy with the outcome of this film. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either, which is surprising given the stellar cast and experienced crew (Rob Marshall and Steven Sondeheim) at its helm.

A rambler’s star rating?

Begin Again (2013)

Most people will come for this film because of its oddly-paired starring duo, Keira Knightley and Mark Ruffalo, or perhaps because they saw Once (the writer-director John Carney’s Dublin set musical hit) and thought that Carney could once again work his magic. I, personally, entered the film with neither option spurring me onwards and colouring my views. I’m not an avid fan of either actor and, though I’ve certainly heard of Once and read the rave reviews that accompanied its release, I haven’t actually seen the film. I think that’s the best way, as a viewer, to enter into the experience. Completely unbiased and willing to let the film do what the film needs to do.

Telling the tale of two lost souls trying to find themselves through music, we begin with Greta (Knightley) singing a melancholy tune while clearly lamenting some sort of recently suffered tragedy. As it turns out, she’s a recently graduated Brit who travelled to the Big City with her long-time love Dave (Adam Levine) so that he could pursue he’s musical talents with the production company he recently signed with. Things don’t go as planned, as is often the case when people make big life decisions based on their lovers’ lives, and suddenly Greta is left with her guitar; a single suitcase; and her pal Steve’s (James Corden) stodgy couch as the place to rest her head. Things aren’t great, that’s for damn sure. Ruffalo finds himself on the down-and-out as well as the alcoholic absentee father who has just been fired from the production company he co-founded. Cue the cute-meet in a dingy bar where Ruffalo hears Knightley sing and, instead of seeing the verging-on-suicidal woman the audience see, he spots something special in an awesome scene where the downbeat original is transformed into an upbeat orchestration imagined by him.

The musical collaboration begins, and the pair quickly form a bond based off of their mutual need to create something great and something that goes beyond the troubles they have recently suffered. The film is magical in this sense. The quirky pair bounce off of each other and their chemistry is really quite surprising, and palpable from the word go. This broken pair needs each other, just as much as they need the music, because it’s nice not to feel alone. Don’t worry though, it’s not a romance per see, although there are flirtatious gazes and the suggestion of something “more” littered throughout the film. That’s exactly what made me love the film as well. It doesn’t conform to some Hollywood idea that a film can’t be something great and truly substantial unless its leads end up in a romantic embrace. It does the exact opposite. It shows that sometimes what’s truly best is to know that you can love yourself, without having to be loved by somebody else. That’s an important and powerful message.

What I loved most about the film was the raw charm it exuded and the bloody brilliant soundtrack throughout. From the outside looking in, the cast seem odd and mismatched. I mean we’ve got Knightley, Ruffalo, Adam Levine, James Corden and Cee-Lo-Freakin’-Green and to me it just seemed so odd and out-of-place, yet as I was watching it felt completely right. The actors just seem to bounce off of each other, and Corden brought his foul-mouthed-British charm to the fore consistently, which felt palpable and real as he interacted with Knightley and Ruffalo. The scenes where we see Greta film and sing her music in random locations across the beautiful NYC are breath-taking and charming and, as a viewer, just make you wish you were there. There is no better feeling than live music and the atmosphere it gives, and you really get the sense of this atmosphere in the film – which, kudos to the actors and director, because that is an impressive feat.

If you’re a fan of brilliant music, brilliant actors and a story that will leave you feeling hopeful then please see Begin Again. It’s something great and its messages are healthy and direct. You don’t need anybody but yourself, and you certainly don’t need the approval of many to feel the glory of success.

A rambler’s star rating? 

Hyperbole and a Half (2013)

What can I say about this book? First off, I will say that Allie Brosh is a wonderfully unapologetic human being. She is courageous and hilarious and she doesn’t bullshit – not for a second. If you’re not familiar with her work, then I’ll give you a brief biography. Brosh is a comedian blogger and now published writer. She has a unique style, in that most of her blogs involve pictures with funny captions than they do so much long ramblings of writing. She writes about her life, that’s it, yet she has managed to garner a massively loyal fan base.

I’ve come across her work before. In fact I remember the very first time I came across it. I was having another of my insomniac-fuelled internet binges and searching random blogs. I think I might have been searching about depression or something, because I distinctly remember that this was the first blog post of hers that I saw. I was quite taken aback by Brosh’s candour – she depicted her ongoing battle with depression in both an hilarious and no-holds-barred way. She didn’t shy away from how shit she still felt, yet she still managed to make me laugh. As someone who has and does battle with mild depression (something I’ve never wrote about or admitted before), I thought this was an inspiring acknowledgement of her inner demons. This post about depression, and the one that followed it, are included in her book, which I was very happy to find.

It wasn’t until very recently though that I came across her work again. I was scrolling through Facebook, as one often does, when I saw a link on either Buzzfeed or HelloGiggles (which I now for the life of me cannot find), about the best 14 books of 2014. As a literature student I find it my obligation to read these types of articles, which is actually pretty time-consuming because hell, there is a lot of these articles floating around, but back to the point! As you have probably realised, this book was on that list, and as I googled it and read reviews for it I very quickly realised that ‘Hey! This is by that really cool writer I came across AGES ago. Well, now I have to buy it!’. Man was it a good investment.

I read the entire book in a night, avidly consuming each section and laughing my head off throughout. The book is made up of new and old material, and is split into 18 different sections which tell tales of Brosh’s life. Ranging from the aforementioned sections covering her depression, we also hear tales from Brosh’s childhood and in one section see how she would interact with herself at different ages – which is highly amusing not to mention god damn relatable. She often laments on how very weird she finds herself, and the pictures she uses to accompany these lamentations emphasise her points beautifully. The comic-strip paint-produced style looks so simple (literally, even a toddler could produce the images Brosh creates), and yet it is its simplicity which makes it so great.

As I was reading/looking through this book, time and again I thought to myself – this woman is literally in my brain. In a section called “Identity”, Brosh talks about the innate selfishness of herself, and discusses how she only acts like a good person because she wants to be perceived as a good person. With each example she offered, I laughed and thought ‘Shit, that is me. That is me all over!’, which made it all the more funny. The fact that Brosh can discuss deeply serious topics such as Identity (a conversation theorists and psychologists can go round and round in circles with till their faces turn blue) with the brash humour she uses, and yet so eloquently capture what every person secretly thinks about their own identity is remarkable. Brosh doesn’t just use her unique style and narration to make her audience laugh, but also to make them think. About themselves, about the ones they love, about everybody. Whether she does it intentionally, I’m honestly not sure. I think she does it mainly for herself. Like if she doesn’t get these thoughts and feelings out then they’ll just fester and rot, but frankly that makes it all the more powerful. I find that when a writer creates something for themself and for themself alone, its always so much more powerful. So much more intimate and beautiful, and an experience readers never quickly forget. 

While the style and genre of this book won’t win Brosh a Pulitzer prize for her work, she definitely wins the award for most relatable, ridiculous and most unapologetically blunt writer/creator/internet-star out there. Seriously, this woman just gets humanity and all of its thoughts and all of its feelings. The intricacies and flaws that make up every human are related by Brosh in a manner that make you realise just how complicated and yet surprisingly similar people are.When you read this book, you will think to yourself, ‘Wow, I could’ve written this’ and that’s not because its simple or clichéd, but because Brosh captures every thought and feeling (simple or complex) and puts it down. You’ll feel like you know the woman after you’ve read this comic novel, and most importantly, you’ll feel like she knows you. 

So, to reiterate, what can I say about this book? What I can say, is that you have to read it, because, aside from making you laugh till your stomach hurts, it will also have a profoundly deep affect on you, especially if you have ever suffered from the crushing and mind-numbing effects of depression. Brosh might just give you hope. I can say that because she certainly gave it to me. 

Sometimes its just nice to know that you're not the only one feeling how you feel...

A ramblers star rating?